Good Night and Good Luck

I'm afraid of dying in my sleep.

It's a new fear I've added to what is already a comprehensive list which you'll be pleased to know, I promise to cover in another post soon.  I fall asleep easily, but wake with a jolt before midnight and don't fall asleep again until 3 am.  Then the alarm goes off at 6.00 am.

Sleeping was the number one thing I was good at.  I could sleep for 12 hours straight.  I think my record is 18 hours.  Now, I get about 3-5 hours of sleep which are riddled with vivid dreams and nightmares.  Not ideal.  [More on the dreams later].

I've done the research.  Googled my symptoms and taken natural sleep aids, gulped wine, walked miles, meditated and listened to soothing music.  Nothing works.

I confessed this new fear to my husband, who has studied psychology.  I've kept it from him for the past few years and last week while we were watching an episode of Grays Anatomy there was a scene where everyone was being real honest and showing their vulnerable sides, I turned to him and said "I'm afraid I'll die in my sleep".   He broke open a Toblerone and we munched our way through the possible reasons that could bring this on.  None made sense. Including the theory that our bed might be facing the wrong direction. He wasn't buying it.  So he researched it.

Turns out this fear comes from the fact that I might be scared I'll die before I've achieved what I want to.  In essence, I'm afraid time will run out.  And it's true.  The clock is ticking.  I'm nearly 40.  I feel that my career has taken a step backwards since moving to Canada.  And I'm tired.

Moving here has been exhausting.  I've just put myself through several of the major life stressors that you could ever inflict on yourself.  Moving to a new country, finding a place to live, starting a new job and a death - my grandmother died earlier this year and she's the main character in all my dreams.  And while the first three things on that list seem like achievements, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere.

My grandmother would always tell me to 'hold my head high'.   "Keep your chin up" is what she used to say.

I'm trying.